Consider this a New Parent (or Pre-Parent) Primer. Or, just consider it a treatise in helping you understand that group of people (parents) who will not shut up talking about precious little Johnny and Susie, who frankly, are not that interesting. This TOP TEN list is my gift to society. My Parenting Public Service Announcement, if you will.
But, I must warn you. Prepare yourself before reading this list. These items may terrify you, as you peer down at your rosy-cheeked baby sleeping in her little crib. How can your precious little rose ever do the things I am about to detail?
Well, honey, I don't know. But, somehow these precious babies of ours grow up with a 1-track mind: Make. My. Parents. Looney. Bin. Crazy.
And I gotta tell ya--they all succeed. One crazy story after the next. The list below is not an exaggeration. Sadly, each item is scientifically proven to be fact. At least at our house...
The TOP TEN Things that Shouldn't Surprise you as a Parent:
10. Blood-curdling screams. Indoors, preferably. And when Mommy is on the phone.
But, remember--don't let this surprise you. Babyface hasn't gotten stabbed or lost an appendage. I am sure her big sister just took the Barbie shoes that she wanted.
9. A bathtub full of mud. I don't mean muddy footprints. I mean physical mud that you can pick up and make 6 whole pies.
Just remember--at least you got to enjoy that 5-minute call to your best friend. All alone and locked in your bathroom. Don't try to figure out how 1 small child can create 15 pounds of mud and transport it to the bathtub without a front-end loader. Where messes are concerned, children have magical powers.
8. Sometimes a quiet 3-minute time out means a warrior will emerge from the bedroom, happy, but covered entirely with Maybelline war paint. Or Bobbi Brown war paint, as the case may be.
You might want to be shocked at how quickly and how expertly the war paint is acquired and applied...to your child's entire body. I have found that where make-up is concerned, children are professionals. Heaven knows why we don't put this skill to use, and have our darlings working in the cosmetology business. At least maybe then they could afford to replace the $458 worth of ruined "war paint."
7. No matter how much advance notice your school-age children have, all major school projects will be started the night before they're due. And usually when the printer is broken. And your husband is out-of-town. And 1 or more females in the house have PMS.
This should not surprise you. Especially since it is the exact way you got through high school and college.
6. A bathroom trash can overflowing with toilet paper. And not just any bathroom--your very own precious Master Bath. Where you long for privacy, but somehow never get it.
As you peer into the 2-foot pile of toilet paper, wondering what is on said paper, you should not be surprised. There is always a logical explanation. Sometimes a hurt elbow needed a cast. Other times your darling angel needed to blow her nose 87 times in a row.
5. While we're in the bathroom...I might as well be honest...Because no one else will tell you this. But, you should not be surprised to walk by the toilet and gasp when you see the largest and longest...well, poop, if you must know.
I'm sorry, but it's true. Every parent in history has a story. The poop will be so abnormally large and long, that you will be convinced it is a world record. You will peer around the corner at your darling toddlers, and for a moment worry that the stubble-faced man next door has come and left a deposit in your child's bathroom. Don't even try to understand the physics of size and input and all that. It won't make sense. Physics just doesn't apply to large poops. Just do what we all do--call your husband on the phone and describe it in great detail. You'll be tempted to take a picture, but please, decide right now to draw that line.
4. The worst screaming, pinching, hitting, pushing, wrestling, yelling fight ever in the history of the world. Or the history of this week, if you have especially active hoodlums.
Try not to be shocked when you are finally able to calm the savages enough to understand their words...that the sibling revolution began because, and I quote, "ShelookedatmemeanandthoughtIwasstinkybecauseIamlittlerthanherandshealwaysbesmeantomeandI'mgonnashowher."
In other words, "She looked at me wrong."
You may be surprised to find yelling coming out of your own mouth. And you may also be surprised at the ridiculous things you are yelling: "Stop looking at your sister. You are forbidden to look at each other. You are forbidden to talk to each other. You are also forbidden to breathe each other's oxygen. And I might even forbid you to breathe altogether, if you don't stop fighting. Now, go play. And just be nice to each other. Please."
3. When looking for a missing tennis shoe under your daughter's bed, you will instead find weeks-old cookie dough. And typically the brightly-colored slice-n-bake kind with cute pictures in the middle--like pink bunnies and yellow chickens.
Face it--brightly-colored cookie dough is irresistible to children. And, let's just be honest--if our husbands wouldn't find out, we would hide cookie dough under our beds, too.
2. No matter how clean you leave your kitchen and living room, if your husband keeps the kids while you get a much-needed night out, your home will be a disaster when you return. Even if you're only gone an hour and a half.
Now, please hear me. I am not criticizing dads. My kid's dad is a rockstar of fun. Which is the problem, actually. I will return home to find a kitchen counter filled with empty Cold Stone cups (even though there's ice cream in the freezer), water color paints and masterpieces drying across the entire kitchen table, a kitchen sink full of dishes and pots and pans (because he kindly told me not to worry about dinner), half-eaten bedtime snacks of sandwich bread and several mostly-eaten yogurts, and a gigantic living room fort using at least 23 blankets and sheets.
And yet, I still smile as I walk into the dark and quiet house. Because I really did have a great night out. And face it--dads are fun. Moms just have supernatural multi-tasking abilities. (Which also translates as: Moms are not as fun.)
1. Even though it's a rule not to have drinks in the living room, and even though I don't even buy grape Kool-Aid for this very reason...
In the time it takes me to type out this blog post, someone will spill an entire quart of grape Kool-Aid onto my best wool rug.
And blame it on her sister.
Heaven help me.
Excuse me, while I grab the paper towels...
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