Ah, can you believe summer is finally here? Do you feel yourself breathing easier, feeling a little more relaxed? Or...have you already heard those most horrible, terrible words that kids even DARE to utter..."Mom, I'm bored!"
In honor of summer's arrival, I thought I'd share a few helpful hints. Y'all know I'm all about the helpful hints. I like to think of myself as a public servant in this way. With that in mind, I present to you
My TOP TEN Summer Don'ts: 10 Sure-Fire Ways to Ruin Your Summer
10. Don't picnic when the temperature is above 80. Or where there are lots of mosquitos. Or flies. Or dirt. In fact, just don't picnic at all...unless you are on a movie set--where there is a red-checkered cloth, spread onto the prettiest green astroturf you've ever seen. And the food is prepared by a gourmet deli in the Hamptons. The only wind is produced by a fan, ever-so-slightly blowing your hair; and any perspiration you may incur is immediately dabbed off by Bobbi Brown herself.
9. Don't wear a bikini, unless you look really good in it. And by "really good," I don't mean really tan. We all understand that tan fat is better looking than regular fat. But, still. We don't really want to see that much of your tan fat.
8. Let's face it. Fat looks best...well...when covered up. Oh, don't be getting all huffy on me. I am allowed to talk like this. I PROMISE you won't see me in a bikini, no matter how orange my fat is.
7. I don't care how much positive feedback you get, don't be the adult at the public swimming pool who does the cannonballs. One cannonball is a little funny, albeit quirky. More than that, and people will start looking at you like you eat boogers, or drive a moped around.
6. If you wear flip flops, please, for the love of non-blind people everywhere, please don't have scraggly toenails. Also, if you are a man, and you don't own toenail clippers, do not EVER wear flip flops. Please. Really, there ought to be a rule against nasty feet in flip flops.
5. If you happen to have a shaved ice Sno Shack in your town, DO NOT, under any circumstance, post pictures on Facebook of your daily favorite icy delicious goodness. These pictures make those of us without ANY Sno Shacks in our entire town depressed, and frankly, a little unstable. Truly, a person ought not have to endure life without a Sno Shack.
4. Don't ever pass by a kid's lemonade stand without stopping. I don't care how small the cups are, how watered down the lemonade is, or how dippy the sign is, you must stop, and you must give at least a 200% tip. You can take one sip, and pour out the rest when you get home.
3. If you are a man, and if you are married, do not try to regulate your home--or car--air conditioner thermostat. Don't even try to sneak and bump the temperature down one degree at a time, and in the middle of the night. Your wife will wake up sweating at dawn, and will not ever want to snuggle with you again.
2. Baseball games should not be so long. Baseball should be 3 innings, total. If you can't figure out a winner in 3 innings, well, you're just indecisive. 3 innings is plenty of time to buy a lemonade and some nachos, watch a little baseball, and finish your snacks. After that, everybody's just tired and cranky...and you don't have enough money to waste on the extra innings of bubble gum, Gatorade, and Fun Dip.
1. If you own a MiracleSuit, and choose to actually get it wet by swimming, never go to a public restroom and pull down your suit to do your business. If you are wearing a MiracleSuit and need to go the bathroom, you have 2 choices: Do the swimsuit pull-over method; or tinkle in the pool. I speak from experience, people. Imagine yourself mostly naked in the White Water restroom...with a wet MiracleSuit around your legs, and lots of shiny white flesh above it refusing re-entry. You'll PRAYING for a miracle, I assure you.
You're welcome. I like to help out society from time-to-time with some helpful hints.
Also, I have Mama Kat to thank for the idea of this post. I've written this post to join up with Mama's Losin' It Writer's Workshop.
And now...for the moment you've ALL been waiting for...
Or at least 20 of you, if I must be honest...
For those 20 of you, you may never forget this moment in time...
When I announce the WINNER of the Sleepy Bee Giveaway!!!!
All you other loser-type people who didn't bother to enter...
Well, YOU need not keep reading. You did not win.
The WINNER of the GENIUS invention called the Sleepy Bee
Chosen by Random.org's random generator...
Is #9: Miss Amy
Loved the website. I really like this idea. I need one for traveling/staying overnight in unfamiliar places with our sweet baby (and any other sweet babies we may have someday in the future).
Let's give it up for Miss Amy!!!!! Miss Amy, please e-mail me your address, and a darling Sleepy Bee will be hand-delivered by the mailman to your very mailbox!!!
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