From what I've heard, some people in their 40's start to notice a shift (translation: earthquake) in hormones and mood swings. Women, who were formerly laid-back and pleasant, may begin to notice even the smallest things have begun to grate on their nerves. (And we're talking sharp-commercial cheese graters--like the waiters use at Olive Garden.) Greedy, mean doctors who want to get their grubby little manicured hands on these poor ladies' hard-earned money have even given this shift a name: peri-menopause.
Peri-menopause, my foot. More like everyone around me just has no good sense anymore. Have everyone's hands suddenly fallen off and they can't help themselves? Has everyone suddenly decided that I'm the only one who can answer all of life's questions? Or have people suddenly developed amnesia and forgotten that I can't stand whining, or loud talking, or playing music created by irritating singers with terrible grammar? And WHO turned the DANG AIR off again??
If you find yourself asking any of these perfectly logical questions, then I suggest you grab some chocolate, lock yourself in the bathroom (preferably before your husband gets in there), and read the following list:
TOP TEN reasons it *may* be time to go back on The Zoloft
1. What are you, NOSY??? You clicked on this post just to see if I'm over here acting like crazy town. You want crazy? I'll SHOW YOU CRAZY!!!!!!!!!
2. Trips to Crazy Town are almost better than trips to Walmart, when the poor little guy in the blue vest isn't sure where the spider traps are. However...after a very thorough lesson in logical store organization...I bet he won't forget where those spider traps are located...ever.
3. Your children have started getting along and whisper-playing, in order to help keep the peace around the house.
4. Realizing that "Dinner IS when it's GONNA BE...doesn't really answer the question. And you know what? I. Don't. Care.
5. When inanimate objects start conspiring to make your life miserable...like your toothbrush, your t-shirt, your rolling chair at work, the nose pieces on your glasses, the noise the ice makes in your glass, the stupid rock that got in your flip flop, the toast that wasn't crunchy enough so dangit breakfast is just RUINED AND I'M NEVER EATING AGAIN.
6. Who are we kidding? GET OUTTA MY WAY, CAR, I AM ABOUT TO MISS SONIC HAPPY HOURRRRR. Horns are made to be utilized, when cars are taking longer than you deem necessary. If the honking doesn't work, slamming both hands onto the steering wheel over and over again while yelling, "COME ON GRANNY!!!" may be effective, albeit slightly painful to the palms of the hands.
7. You've started visualizing everyone's head as a tiny pencil eraser that you can just PINCH OFF with your two fingers.
8. Your jaw has begun to throb...from talking through clenched teeth. Also, WHO turned the air off again????
9. Your husband has started thinking before speaking.
10. And sometimes not speaking at all. Only watching. From a distance.
Yes, if one or more of these things apply to you, it *may* be time to go back on The Zoloft.
I'm just here to help. Consider this my public service announcement.
P.S. I have NO IDEA why...but my husband just thinks this list is HILARIOUS.
Huh. We'll see who's laughing at supper tonight.
